Monday, December 05, 2011

My shadow...


I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me…

A line from a beloved poem by Robert Lewis Stevenson that my mother read to me when I was little girl, probably over and over and over, assuming I was like most other young children who seem not to get tired of hearing things they like over and over and over. I discovered this when our boy was little and I would attempt to skip pages of books I had read to him over and over and over – books that he had memorized. Every time I tried to turn 2 pages at a time to get through it faster, he always caught me.

At any rate, I sometimes view the Depression that began stalking me last December at about this time, when our son’s physical condition took such a nosedive, as a Shadow that occasionally grasps me around the ankle and tries to trip me up and slow me down and wants to get up close and personal. I would rather not go back on the happy pills that the doctor gave me last December. They either worked very well or it was a placebo effect, but I would just as soon not take the drugs if I can avoid it.

And most of the time I seem to do fairly well. We are only a few days into December, but already I have been feeling Shadow’s arms trying to embrace me in his dull, gray hug. I am determined to shrug him off. It would be easy to blame the time of year for this – the deciduous trees are now naked, standing with their skeletons exposed. Barren. Dull. A cold, gray day  today. There is a feeling of wanting to retreat and withdraw and hibernate.

It began to drizzle sleet and some freezing rain as I drove home from town this morning, but within a half or so after I had picked up where I left off working, a light snow began to sift down, reminding me of how my mother dusted powdered sugar on a chocolate cake through a wire-mesh strainer.

We watched The Adjustment Bureau Saturday night. The movie intrigued me. Now that I have seen the ending, I must watch it again to pick up things that I missed the first time through because I was nervous about how it was going to end.
 
Today I am wondering was it chance, or the devil, or part of a Master Plan, that resulted in my unfortunate fall several years ago in which I fractured my pelvis and spent at least 2 months camped out on the couch and needing a wheelchair to move? I suppose I will never know, except that I know God worked that event into a marvelous good. 

Yesterday, we working together in the kitchen preparing food, with the roles switched. He did the actual cooking, making cabbage sauteed with green and yellow peppers, dressed with a sweet, Asian style sauce; and a green bean dish cooked with hot chili-tomatoes and mushrooms, a bit of sugar. I did the chopping and the assembling of ingredients.

Even as I write, this I can smell the wonderful pungent odor of boiling vinegar and ginger as he prepares marinated carrots, and he has sprinkled yellow squash split lengthwise with cheese powder and spices. which will be roasted, and fish baked with a thin coating of marinara sauce. Would any of this had happened if that day in June had gone according to plan?

Hard to say, but I am enjoying this new interest of his very much.

6 comments:

Cloudia said...

Bless you, Sis



Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

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Wanda..... said...

Hope your shadow stays behind you and you enjoy the holidays, much like you enjoy your husband's 'new interest' of cooking wonderful sounding meals.

Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden(depression) behind...a quote I like!

Oklahoma Granny said...

I'm praying for sunshine to light your heart and scare away that shadow that has been lurking around.

Far Side of Fifty said...

The winter months are so hard..you have been through so much in the last year..you just need time. Time is something we rarely give ourselves, time to mourn and time to weep..just time.
Pulling yourself out of a depression can be really hard work..keep plugging away at it..it will come in time.
Be good to yourself..take your vitamins and eat well..and get out and exercise and talk to others.
This is your first Christmas without your boy..it is bound to be hard..and sad..really sad.
Sending you a hug:)

FrankandMary said...

Thankfully, much of life doesn't go according to plan. I don't really want a husband, but a cook, yeah. I hope you have some peace & light(lite too) in your holidays.

Just blog hopping from Sherry.
~Mary

Have Myelin? said...

I hope you keep the shadow at bay - it's hard in the winter I know, especially around the holidays. I'm with you on the "happy pills". I don't feel happy on them, just weirdly numb.

Keep on preppin' with hubby.