Pie!

“Pie, pie, me oh my! Nothing tastes sweet, wet, salty and dry, all at once, so well as pie. Apple! Pumpkin! Minced an’ wet bottom! I’ll come to your place every day if you’ve got ’em! Pie, me oh my, I love pie!”

Sung by Andie McDowell, Michael

 I have made two pie crusts that were perfect. The first time was in 1989.

A friend had raised a couple of pigs. We bought one, and they hauled the pigs to the meat processor. A week or so later, we picked up the wrapped meat and brought it home, including the head and all of the fat.

I found some instructions for making head cheese. It was quite good. And then I rendered the fat. After a couple of days of bubbling fat in the pots, I had all of this creamy white lard, and I decided to use some of it to make soap. The soap was not entirely successful. Although I thought I was following the directions, I failed to do something right. Some of the cakes of soap retained bubbles of liquid lye, which caused some excitement during the shower. 

By then we had made the decision to stop using hydrogenated vegetable oil (shortening) to cook with, and so any pie crust I made was either with oil (which was usually a disaster) or I just bought it ready made from the store. Of course, the store-bought crust was made with hydrogenated vegetable oil, but at least I didn’t have to invest in a can of shortening that I might use once a year.

Thanksgiving was approaching and it was time to make the annual pie. I had all of this lard and I thought, oh what the heck, it’s not going to kill us.... 

So I used the homemade lard to make the pie crust. I was stunned at how wonderful that crust was. But, I never used lard again.... until 2009. Once again, Thanksgiving was approaching. We weren’t going to have pie at all – just “pumpkin custard,” but then at the last minute, we changed our minds, and so I used some of the lard I had bought to make “suet cakes” for the birds.

And so the second time one of my homemade pie crusts came out perfect. The temptation to use the lard the next time a pie was requested was almost overwhelming, and  it is probably a good thing we don’t have pie very often.

But then we discovered Mrs. Smith’s pies. By the time I figured in the cost of the ready made pie crust and the cost of the fruit—pear pie is my favorite, with apple and pumpkin in a dead heat for second, and grape pie coming in third—and the time spent peeling fruit, slicing it up, etc. I decided Mrs. Smith’s pies are a good buy when they are on sale at $4.99.

And best of all, they use REAL APPLES, which prompts the question: What would they use if they didn’t use real ones? Ritz crackers and apple-cider vinegar?