Friday, January 06, 2012

What was lost is found...

 Last September (can it really be that long ago!) I was in a blue funk and feeling a bit frantic as well because I had misplaced three journals. I know that keeping the journals served a very useful purpose: they allowed me a safe way to express anger and frustration about things my husband and our son were doing without harming them in the process.

But did I really want to keep them?

Should something happen to me, did I want to leave them behind for Richard to find and read (assuming he could read my handwriting)?

I didn't think so.

After several intensive searches of the various bookshelves throughout the house and under the clothes in the drawers of my dresser, I was not able to find them anywhere. I never totally stopped looking for them, but I decided not to invest any more time in the search.

Richard said not to worry about it. As soon as I stopped looking, they would turn up. Things have a way of doing that, he said.
It has been rather warm here, and last night I was looking for an extra large t-shirt to wear instead of my flannel pajama top, and so I started rooting around in the bottom drawer of my dresser where I keep the t-shirts that are too large for me to wear in public. 

There they were.

I stared at them in disbelief. On the one hand I am relieved that I found them, but on the other hand, I am bewildered at how I could have searched the drawers of my dresser a bunch of times and not searched that drawer. I know I searched the top and middle drawers, but why didn’t I search the bottom drawers? It doesn’t make any sense at all. None.

Maybe it was act of God

Now that I have them, I am reluctant to toss them out. I suspect that tucked away in the pages will be memories of our son that I do not want to throw away. I may have to use the snap-off razor knife to surgically remove the bad and keep the good.


Far Side of Fifty said...

You could just get one of those Fat Sharpies and blacken out what you don't want read by others..kinda like being a censor during WW2. I am glad you found them:)

Have Myelin? said...

When my daughter died she left behind probably 50 diaries. I have them all. I absolutely love them, the good, the bad and the ugly.

She was like me - she told the truth. And that's how I LIKE IT.

So, there is nothing in there that hurts me. I always told her the truth.

It bothers me they're in storage - I want to read them again, now that I'm ... still here.

That's my take on it. I guess each situation is different.

Tami Weingartner said...

I don't think you should dump them. ....

Oklahoma Granny said...

I'm glad you found the journals. My thoughts on them is this - you wouldn't be who you but for where you've been. I'd take some time making the decision to get rid of your own personal history book.