Friday, January 06, 2012

What was lost is found...


 Last September (can it really be that long ago!) I was in a blue funk and feeling a bit frantic as well because I had misplaced three journals. I know that keeping the journals served a very useful purpose: they allowed me a safe way to express anger and frustration about things my husband and our son were doing without harming them in the process.

But did I really want to keep them?

Should something happen to me, did I want to leave them behind for Richard to find and read (assuming he could read my handwriting)?

I didn't think so.

After several intensive searches of the various bookshelves throughout the house and under the clothes in the drawers of my dresser, I was not able to find them anywhere. I never totally stopped looking for them, but I decided not to invest any more time in the search.

Richard said not to worry about it. As soon as I stopped looking, they would turn up. Things have a way of doing that, he said.
It has been rather warm here, and last night I was looking for an extra large t-shirt to wear instead of my flannel pajama top, and so I started rooting around in the bottom drawer of my dresser where I keep the t-shirts that are too large for me to wear in public. 

There they were.

I stared at them in disbelief. On the one hand I am relieved that I found them, but on the other hand, I am bewildered at how I could have searched the drawers of my dresser a bunch of times and not searched that drawer. I know I searched the top and middle drawers, but why didn’t I search the bottom drawers? It doesn’t make any sense at all. None.

Maybe it was act of God

Now that I have them, I am reluctant to toss them out. I suspect that tucked away in the pages will be memories of our son that I do not want to throw away. I may have to use the snap-off razor knife to surgically remove the bad and keep the good.

4 comments:

Far Side of Fifty said...

You could just get one of those Fat Sharpies and blacken out what you don't want read by others..kinda like being a censor during WW2. I am glad you found them:)

Have Myelin? said...

When my daughter died she left behind probably 50 diaries. I have them all. I absolutely love them, the good, the bad and the ugly.

She was like me - she told the truth. And that's how I LIKE IT.

So, there is nothing in there that hurts me. I always told her the truth.

It bothers me they're in storage - I want to read them again, now that I'm ... still here.

That's my take on it. I guess each situation is different.

Tami Weingartner said...

I don't think you should dump them. ....

Oklahoma Granny said...

I'm glad you found the journals. My thoughts on them is this - you wouldn't be who you but for where you've been. I'd take some time making the decision to get rid of your own personal history book.