Friday, October 15, 2004

The seasons, they go 'round and 'round

October seems to be a hard month for N -- he's gotten fired twice early in October -- and hired twice as well so as each October comes 'round again, I am reminded that the truth of his reality is in such stark contrast to what my expectations were of what I thought things were going to be like as he grew into adulthood. Hope springs eternal, and I constantly have to wrestle it back into submission. Now I look for the blessings in small victories and rejoice in the occasional biggie. Learning to be thankful in all circumstances is difficult. I still occasionally have these bouts of longing for things to be... just... normal. Like a crab seeking a safe place in which to hide, my mind tends to scuttle away from reality. At least I can take small comfort that he probably really isn't mentally ill, but he could be a poster child for Asperger's syndrome or Pervasive Developmental Disorder: "Severe and sustained impairment in social interaction, development of restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, and activities" says the website. We get so angry at him, and deep down I have a feeling he can't help that he has no grasp of socially appropriate behavior and that there might be consequences to what he does. I thank God that he was able to get a new job within a week. Farther along, we'll know all about it/farther along we'll understand why. I don't want to wait until "farther along." I want to know why NOW! WHY? WHY? WHY? Why did God put us -- and HIM -- in htis situation??? What lessons are we supposed to be learning from this?? He probably never get married or have a family. There will be no grandchild to bounce on my knee and sing trot trot to Boston to get a loaf of bread, trot trot home again, and old trot's dead! Feeling a little sorry for myself? Yeah, I guess so. I guess I'm just having a little combination temper tantrum and pity party. I want to go outside and howl at the moon. I guess I should just snap out of it and be supremely thankful to God that he won't be needing to move back home -- at least not yet. In the meantime, however, we are hedging our bets. R has resumed working on the new office to get it finished so that his old office can be turned into a living space and bedroom area for N, if necessary.

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